It's hard to explain how difficult Dying is,  especially when your only 53,  and you have a wonderful Wife,  Son,  and a Dog,  

Explaining your not a hero,  and the reasons your not a brave man,  is just a small part of the problem,

Coping with the Constant  and. Excruciating  Pain,  when it's  24/7. and  the intensity and frequency of the deterioration of condition is dragging you down into the mire,

Depression hits you really really hard,  leaving your will to fight at rock bottom,  then your friends,  readers,  and  even your really special friends / followers constantly encourage you,  support you,  and push you to Fight,  to Live,  and  unfortunately to Suffer for longer and longer,  to have less dignity,  but in all innocence to ask you to Suffer more and more and more,

The Night Terrors,  when the pains and the blood curdling screams get ever worse,  and your Lovely Wife's eyes show the horror and the wish that she could spare you this Agony,

Special friends do all they can to suggest possible pain meds to ask your Drs about,  but already you takemost,  and Cant take the rest,

Your Death is coming fast,  your abilities are all disappearing even faster,  your too tired,  even after a simple trip to the shops,  sitting in one place for 10 minutes the best you've done in along time,

Holding knifeand fork, typing,  even holding abook now so very difficult to do for more than a few seconds,

This is part of your loss of what you consider to be Kevin,

You know you have little time left to spend in Quality Time with the family,  you hate wasting even a moment,

You think your going MAD, and you KNOW your right  !  

You now have many many readers,  all wonderful,  all loving, caring, friendly people,  you have a responsibility to them,  your promise to keep it up,  your need to spread the word about your mistakes,  and so many come to share your experiences,  how can you let them down,

You Seriously considered DIGNITAS  and looked into the process,  only the cost stopped you,  Now you MAY have to DIY. if and when the time comes that you need too,  your wife hates the idea,  but unders t ands there may be little choice at all,

You hate getting sympathy,  your not worthy,  and not brave enough to deserve it,

Today you bit your tongue 3 times in spasms of pain,  but luckily you dont have teeth,

Your battling every day to try not to cry,  well not when seen or heard at least,

You long for a cure,  knowing it WON'T be for you,  that time long since past,


So nothing really new,  all  a bit pessimistic but just about where you stand right now,  praying every night not to wake up again,  whilst wishing you do,  for the family,

So see folks Not Brave,  Not a Hero,  Just a Weak Man    ....    Dying in Shame and Disgust,

Love  and.  Hugs.

Kevin and  Wendie.

xxxx.  

Strength

My original post Terminal and Scared was when l was low and scared, after that it became about changing attitudes towards Diabetes, and if any one person could strengthen their resolve, and Live a longer and healthier life, my dying would somehow feel less awful, and less of a waste,

Some may doubt my honesty, or diagnosis and prognosis, this is not about that anyway, but about the cruel and terrible results of NOT controlling your diabetes, even if l had lied, the consequences of ignoring Diabetes are still be same, And as it happens I am being honest, 

Believe me or not, I am dying, i have the most terrible Chronic Neuropathic Pain, im struggling to deal with it, but im here to hopefully steer people to a path that spares them the torture i have endured today, 

Take Care of yourselves, please don't suffer the Consequences of not doing so ! 

So if you or any other reader of this blog has truthfully changed, and stick to it, Then its me that needs to THANK YOU ! 

Hugs.

Kman
9/2/14 and 12/1014


Message to Mud,  All Good,  I have fuull access

(2 posts were combined into one for new readers on my new blog)

My Blog

Folks, hopefully this will be good news for you all, but I have decided to go ahead and run a Blog to compliment this thread, None of this would have happened without the considerable help of my dear Friend. .... MUD ISLAND DWELLER, who not only did all the encouraging but she completey Set Up the Blog Site, transfered posts from this thread over, and promised to maintain it with me, So please everyone give her the credit and thank her as I will be doing ! 

Also remember Mud is a very busy lady, and I am at this time in very poor health and deteriorating fast, it may sometimes take me a while, I'm working on new big posts, hopefully informative, Interesting and scary too, folks theres so much you need to know about consequences ect. 

So there you are, this is where we begin another Journey, stay with me on this road as I make the preparation to leave this life, 

As I say Mud Island Dweller is the one to thank for the work on putting all this together in a coherant way, I just put my thoughts down on screen LOL. ! 

Stay Healthy, Live Long Lives and Dont be Me. !!! 

Love and Hugs.

Kevin and Wendie.
12/10/14

Bratmobile

My Electric Wheelchais both beautiful, full of tricks, and life saving, I couldn't be without it, especially as I'deteriorating so very quickly, I know can go out alone, shop, visit friends ect. Its really fantastic, and Wendies health is so much better now she doesnt have to push me every where in the manual chair, so great all round, love the pic, im hoping to go to next years Austrian F1 GRANDPRIX. 

Hope your keeping well, 

Best Regards

Keep in Touch, 

Kevin and Wendie.
11/10/14

C.O.P.D.

Folks I have for sometime now been lost in a habit of feeling sorry for myself, the Rapid deterioration of my condition, and the corresponsding increase in the intensetity and the frequency of my Neuropathic Pains, plus the worsening on a daily basis of my C.O.P.D, being a large part of this, plusmy Depression hasn't helped at all, 

I am sick offeeling like this, and of feeling sorry for myself constantly, I miss writing here in this thread, so I am determined now to drag myself to my feet, even if not literelly, and to make more of my time aimed at once again keeping you all informed and upto date with the progress of such a Complication of Diabetes and Stupidity, 

So here I am, Ready to take up the reigns again, so please keep faith with me, pop in here to the thread now and again, and lets hope at least one person out there will learn from my errors, and learn to Stay Well, Stay Alive, and be Happy for many many years to come, 

And thanks again for putting up with me through Thick and Thin. 

Love and Hugs to All. 

Kevin & Wendie
910/14

RIP Nicky

Earlier today I found out a very close Friend of ours had Died last week. ... a victim of DEPRESSION, 
funeral is tomorrow afternoon, we feel so much for her lovely parents, but we will be there for them, in coming months, it's all we can do. !

RIP Nicky. 

Love Always. 

Kevin and Wendie. 
25/8/14

The Family

Hi Folks, 

Wendie, Dayne, Delta the Dog was I few all still here, and OK as such, 

Just 2 Days ago I had yet another Deterioration, and a bunch of Nerves in my upper left arm were damaged, but hey ho folks I live DisabledaboutPoweredWheelchairchairsChautauquaallowBuse fight another days right ? 

I would love to had from a few you now and again, .it does get Lonely, So Please Keep in Touch, NOW is the Time for FRIENDS !!! 

With ALL OUR. LOVE. 

KEVIN and. WENDIE. 
6/6/14