It's hard to explain how difficult Dying is,  especially when your only 53,  and you have a wonderful Wife,  Son,  and a Dog,  

Explaining your not a hero,  and the reasons your not a brave man,  is just a small part of the problem,

Coping with the Constant  and. Excruciating  Pain,  when it's  24/7. and  the intensity and frequency of the deterioration of condition is dragging you down into the mire,

Depression hits you really really hard,  leaving your will to fight at rock bottom,  then your friends,  readers,  and  even your really special friends / followers constantly encourage you,  support you,  and push you to Fight,  to Live,  and  unfortunately to Suffer for longer and longer,  to have less dignity,  but in all innocence to ask you to Suffer more and more and more,

The Night Terrors,  when the pains and the blood curdling screams get ever worse,  and your Lovely Wife's eyes show the horror and the wish that she could spare you this Agony,

Special friends do all they can to suggest possible pain meds to ask your Drs about,  but already you takemost,  and Cant take the rest,

Your Death is coming fast,  your abilities are all disappearing even faster,  your too tired,  even after a simple trip to the shops,  sitting in one place for 10 minutes the best you've done in along time,

Holding knifeand fork, typing,  even holding abook now so very difficult to do for more than a few seconds,

This is part of your loss of what you consider to be Kevin,

You know you have little time left to spend in Quality Time with the family,  you hate wasting even a moment,

You think your going MAD, and you KNOW your right  !  

You now have many many readers,  all wonderful,  all loving, caring, friendly people,  you have a responsibility to them,  your promise to keep it up,  your need to spread the word about your mistakes,  and so many come to share your experiences,  how can you let them down,

You Seriously considered DIGNITAS  and looked into the process,  only the cost stopped you,  Now you MAY have to DIY. if and when the time comes that you need too,  your wife hates the idea,  but unders t ands there may be little choice at all,

You hate getting sympathy,  your not worthy,  and not brave enough to deserve it,

Today you bit your tongue 3 times in spasms of pain,  but luckily you dont have teeth,

Your battling every day to try not to cry,  well not when seen or heard at least,

You long for a cure,  knowing it WON'T be for you,  that time long since past,


So nothing really new,  all  a bit pessimistic but just about where you stand right now,  praying every night not to wake up again,  whilst wishing you do,  for the family,

So see folks Not Brave,  Not a Hero,  Just a Weak Man    ....    Dying in Shame and Disgust,

Love  and.  Hugs.

Kevin and  Wendie.

xxxx.