It's hard to explain how difficult Dying is,  especially when your only 53,  and you have a wonderful Wife,  Son,  and a Dog,  

Explaining your not a hero,  and the reasons your not a brave man,  is just a small part of the problem,

Coping with the Constant  and. Excruciating  Pain,  when it's  24/7. and  the intensity and frequency of the deterioration of condition is dragging you down into the mire,

Depression hits you really really hard,  leaving your will to fight at rock bottom,  then your friends,  readers,  and  even your really special friends / followers constantly encourage you,  support you,  and push you to Fight,  to Live,  and  unfortunately to Suffer for longer and longer,  to have less dignity,  but in all innocence to ask you to Suffer more and more and more,

The Night Terrors,  when the pains and the blood curdling screams get ever worse,  and your Lovely Wife's eyes show the horror and the wish that she could spare you this Agony,

Special friends do all they can to suggest possible pain meds to ask your Drs about,  but already you takemost,  and Cant take the rest,

Your Death is coming fast,  your abilities are all disappearing even faster,  your too tired,  even after a simple trip to the shops,  sitting in one place for 10 minutes the best you've done in along time,

Holding knifeand fork, typing,  even holding abook now so very difficult to do for more than a few seconds,

This is part of your loss of what you consider to be Kevin,

You know you have little time left to spend in Quality Time with the family,  you hate wasting even a moment,

You think your going MAD, and you KNOW your right  !  

You now have many many readers,  all wonderful,  all loving, caring, friendly people,  you have a responsibility to them,  your promise to keep it up,  your need to spread the word about your mistakes,  and so many come to share your experiences,  how can you let them down,

You Seriously considered DIGNITAS  and looked into the process,  only the cost stopped you,  Now you MAY have to DIY. if and when the time comes that you need too,  your wife hates the idea,  but unders t ands there may be little choice at all,

You hate getting sympathy,  your not worthy,  and not brave enough to deserve it,

Today you bit your tongue 3 times in spasms of pain,  but luckily you dont have teeth,

Your battling every day to try not to cry,  well not when seen or heard at least,

You long for a cure,  knowing it WON'T be for you,  that time long since past,


So nothing really new,  all  a bit pessimistic but just about where you stand right now,  praying every night not to wake up again,  whilst wishing you do,  for the family,

So see folks Not Brave,  Not a Hero,  Just a Weak Man    ....    Dying in Shame and Disgust,

Love  and.  Hugs.

Kevin and  Wendie.

xxxx.  

Strength

My original post Terminal and Scared was when l was low and scared, after that it became about changing attitudes towards Diabetes, and if any one person could strengthen their resolve, and Live a longer and healthier life, my dying would somehow feel less awful, and less of a waste,

Some may doubt my honesty, or diagnosis and prognosis, this is not about that anyway, but about the cruel and terrible results of NOT controlling your diabetes, even if l had lied, the consequences of ignoring Diabetes are still be same, And as it happens I am being honest, 

Believe me or not, I am dying, i have the most terrible Chronic Neuropathic Pain, im struggling to deal with it, but im here to hopefully steer people to a path that spares them the torture i have endured today, 

Take Care of yourselves, please don't suffer the Consequences of not doing so ! 

So if you or any other reader of this blog has truthfully changed, and stick to it, Then its me that needs to THANK YOU ! 

Hugs.

Kman
9/2/14 and 12/1014


Message to Mud,  All Good,  I have fuull access

(2 posts were combined into one for new readers on my new blog)

My Blog

Folks, hopefully this will be good news for you all, but I have decided to go ahead and run a Blog to compliment this thread, None of this would have happened without the considerable help of my dear Friend. .... MUD ISLAND DWELLER, who not only did all the encouraging but she completey Set Up the Blog Site, transfered posts from this thread over, and promised to maintain it with me, So please everyone give her the credit and thank her as I will be doing ! 

Also remember Mud is a very busy lady, and I am at this time in very poor health and deteriorating fast, it may sometimes take me a while, I'm working on new big posts, hopefully informative, Interesting and scary too, folks theres so much you need to know about consequences ect. 

So there you are, this is where we begin another Journey, stay with me on this road as I make the preparation to leave this life, 

As I say Mud Island Dweller is the one to thank for the work on putting all this together in a coherant way, I just put my thoughts down on screen LOL. ! 

Stay Healthy, Live Long Lives and Dont be Me. !!! 

Love and Hugs.

Kevin and Wendie.
12/10/14

Bratmobile

My Electric Wheelchais both beautiful, full of tricks, and life saving, I couldn't be without it, especially as I'deteriorating so very quickly, I know can go out alone, shop, visit friends ect. Its really fantastic, and Wendies health is so much better now she doesnt have to push me every where in the manual chair, so great all round, love the pic, im hoping to go to next years Austrian F1 GRANDPRIX. 

Hope your keeping well, 

Best Regards

Keep in Touch, 

Kevin and Wendie.
11/10/14

C.O.P.D.

Folks I have for sometime now been lost in a habit of feeling sorry for myself, the Rapid deterioration of my condition, and the corresponsding increase in the intensetity and the frequency of my Neuropathic Pains, plus the worsening on a daily basis of my C.O.P.D, being a large part of this, plusmy Depression hasn't helped at all, 

I am sick offeeling like this, and of feeling sorry for myself constantly, I miss writing here in this thread, so I am determined now to drag myself to my feet, even if not literelly, and to make more of my time aimed at once again keeping you all informed and upto date with the progress of such a Complication of Diabetes and Stupidity, 

So here I am, Ready to take up the reigns again, so please keep faith with me, pop in here to the thread now and again, and lets hope at least one person out there will learn from my errors, and learn to Stay Well, Stay Alive, and be Happy for many many years to come, 

And thanks again for putting up with me through Thick and Thin. 

Love and Hugs to All. 

Kevin & Wendie
910/14

RIP Nicky

Earlier today I found out a very close Friend of ours had Died last week. ... a victim of DEPRESSION, 
funeral is tomorrow afternoon, we feel so much for her lovely parents, but we will be there for them, in coming months, it's all we can do. !

RIP Nicky. 

Love Always. 

Kevin and Wendie. 
25/8/14

The Family

Hi Folks, 

Wendie, Dayne, Delta the Dog was I few all still here, and OK as such, 

Just 2 Days ago I had yet another Deterioration, and a bunch of Nerves in my upper left arm were damaged, but hey ho folks I live DisabledaboutPoweredWheelchairchairsChautauquaallowBuse fight another days right ? 

I would love to had from a few you now and again, .it does get Lonely, So Please Keep in Touch, NOW is the Time for FRIENDS !!! 

With ALL OUR. LOVE. 

KEVIN and. WENDIE. 
6/6/14

No Pity

 I guess I no longer see it as sad for myself, But I so feel for Wendie, Dayne, and Delta the Dog. ( She worries about me, nurses me, and refuses to leave me alone when I'm Really Poorly ! ), 

Well weekend shopping calls, and as I'm the shopping trolley. ... Must go LOL. ! 

Much Love. 

Kevin and Wendie. 
22/3/14

My Accident

Folks, I had a bit of an accident on Thursday afternoon, on my way home from my first longer trip in the new chair, on a path we didn't know, i found the chair was wider than the path, i got slightly up on the grass verge just as a strong gust of wind hit me from the side, my son Dayne was behind me on his pushbike, he saw me hit a large stone, before the chair overbalanced, and went fully over, 

I was trapped by one foot under the side of the chair, i bumped nothing, hurt only one shoulder that wrenched slightly, other than being shook up I was very lucky, so was the chair which suffered only 3 or 4 minor scratches, Dayne was very shook up, and over protective Bless him, 

A cyclist behind us stopped to help, and a moterist going round the roundabout ahead saw all, pulled off the road onto the grass verge, and offered to take me to casualty some 5 miles or more away, People can be so very kind, but chair uprighted, and everyone finally convinced i was OK, We continued home, completing the 8 mile round without incident, 

It was scary as i tipped up, but the lovely. Quickie Jive M. Is so incredibly well designed and built, both it and I remained Safe !

Kman
22/3/14

Feet

I have a very naughty habit of not wearing anything on my feet, due to pain and swelling, but of course with very advanced Peripheral Neuropathy, so now have to be so careful, Folks take head, just be careful with your feet, problems and complications of Diabetes often start from the Bottom up, Don't take any chances. !

Last couple of days or so have been really Terrible for Pain Levels in my lower legs and feet, enough to pretty much stop me doing anything, will keep you posted folks,

Kman
16/3/14

Meds And Breakfast

Folks you have done so much for me over the last day or two, you see I have problems with my interner connection at the moment and access is very very Hit and Miss, and I haven't seen much of the forum over the last 24 hours, 

Any way you have done so much for me since my last couple of posts, I reall had started to think that very very few were still interested, or believing in me and I was hurt, but NO your still there, still reading, still listening, and still prepared to accompany me on this final journey, that has totally returned and strengthened my resolve to keep this going, and to possibly start a Blog, 

Right health update, my recent physical illness has completely gone, and at the moment my pain levels are more manageable in the daytime, though the Arthritis is somewhat playing up in this weather, and my hands are extremely painful, and very very stiff, making typing unbelievably difficult, 

The worst though are the Evening pains due to the Neuropathies at the moment starting early evening and lasting long in to the night, these pains physically effect the nerves in my legs, but the pain in them seems to put every single nerve in my body on Edge, and make me feel so phsically ill I can not possibly describe just how bad that is currently getting every single evening, and how much it is stopping me from doing ! 

My NEW Perment Concrete Ramp is now installed, concrete set full, and ramp Fully useable, the guys coming to widen a couple of the doors for me have failed to tudn up Twice in the last fortnight since measuring up the job, Though having said that the Electricians have been and moved a Light switch ready for the widened doors, so that's something at least, 

OT came to visit yesterday, He is so approachable, and so very helpful, he was pleased with the ramp, and has told us he May be able to Get u Power and Light in the Garage, making storing charging the chair much more flexible, we might even get a door through from the house to the Garage WOW, that would be so brilliant. 

ADVICE here folks, my OT has said there is money available from councils / social services for such things, if you currently a genuine need then ask your OT or Social Worker NOW ! And if you don't have either of those then GET ONE, at least ask, you have nothing to lose. 

Time for Meds, and Breakfast, LOL. 

I am taking Pregabalin which like Gabapentin is an Epilepsy medication that works on Chronic Pain, particularly Neuropathic Pain, my dosage was recently increased when my condition deteriorated, andit has helped take the edge off at times, but does make me very drowsy ! 
I have others including Morphine, without which i would be in far greater pain, but meds aren't the only way, I also get help from Medical Psychologist and it isreal and tangible help, very practical, i definitely recomend you ask for a referral if like me you suffer Chronic Pain,

I am using a tablet, the Kindle Fire HD so cant uze windows software, but i should see whats available for it, 

Love and Hugs 

Kevin and. Wendie
13/3/14

Deterioration

I have unfortunately been physically very ill for the last week, unable to eat and keep food down for the last 5 days, 

The news of the deterioration in my condition hit me really hard, perhaps even harder than being told i was terminal, 

Knowing now that my prognosis is such that my life expectancy is also significantly reduced, 

I am very very scared, 

The reason for this post, is that i have let some of you know i intend to start a Blog to take over where the Terminal and. Scared Thread left off, and i had intended to start that by now, but because of my physical illness and current state of being able to do pretty much nothing, and the fact this post alone is taking lots out of me, i am therefore begging you all to remain patient with me, and give me approximately another week to re over, and also get my mind back to normal, to be ready to run the blog, 

Stay with folks, I want us to continue this journey TOGETHER. ! 

Love. and. Hugs. 

Kevin and Wendie 
1/3/14

Emergency Clinic

Good Morning all, a little better so far this morning, Attended the Diabetic Foot Clinic today as an Emergency Referral ... Only to find the day of the Clinic has changed. ... No-one there. ... Oh fun LOL. !

And a waste of £15 in Taxi fares, 

I hope you will all stay with me on the thread, as we travel this difficult journey through the consequences of not controlling Diabetes ! 

Later Folks. 

Hugs. 
18/2/14

Bittersweet News

Home, Bittersweet news though in someways ! 

Firstly .my major Toe. on the left foot, they think that it can be saved, Diabetic Foot Clinic urgent appointment tomorrow, 

Secondly, the area on my left foot that they first thought to be either Cellultus and or a an Abcess . Well thats neither, good news you might think, well yes No more AntiBiotics, having already had 3 Courses of them, but the bad side is what the pain IS from ! 

Now the bad news, in the thigh, there is something like a HUB. or a JUNCTION. of Nerves, Ok who can see where this is going. ? 

The thing is my nerves are dying, mostly from the outer Peripheries inwards, the Nerves in the Hub are now Dying, this DETERIORATION is a completely New development, it means that the Nerves closer to my trunk are now Dying, closer to Major Organs, and the Nerves that control them, this also means that Nerves to the Major Organs that run through the Hub, 

Those Nerves are now SERIOUSLY damaged, this will affect the function and efficency of all of those organs, NOW wont that be FUN. ? Just another step towards the inebitable Organ Failure that in the end is going to kill me ( OK Yes I know, everyone else too, but in my case at a very much accelerated rate ! ), 

Only last night i posted that i feared my end was now very very close, who knows when my next Deterioration might be, or how bad an episode it may be, the max 2 years i should have, Is now a very very difficult target to acheive, 

Your continued Support, Empathy and Understanding, but most of all your LOVE and. PRAYERS would be so appreciated, I am very very SCARED, don't worry, i'll continue to FIGHT, and to FIGHT hard, every Day, Don't please feel sorry for me, Feel for my Darling WIFE and my dearest SON, 

WENDIE and. DAYNE are my Entire WORLD, 

I am DYING, as said many times before, There is no REPREIVE, no MIRACLE, wbatever your beliefs, in my case I believe GOD has a plan, and that includes me not having a LONG life here on earth, and thats OK, I'm cool about it, Wendie and I. have both come to terms with it, 

I worry, a Lot, about Wendie and. Dayne, and AFTER i do pass, I have arranged for them too POST so that you will all know,, I'm. Asking now for the same LOVE, EMPATHY, and of course. SUPPORT you've all given me, to be given to them too, 

SORRY. 

Too Much,

LOVE ALWAYS. 

Kman
17/2/14

Correct Way To Die?

(This is in response to someone who posted Kman was spending to much time on the computer)

My wife would kill me if I kept getting under Her feet ! 

But to set Your mind at rest too, if you had read the WHOLE thread, you'd most likely have noticed I spend most of my time, and all of my effort on my family ! 

Dying is something they don't give you a MANUAL for, I therefore don't know the CORRECT way to die, and in fact, i'm doing my very very best to completetly FAIL at dying !!! 

Oh dear Bob. ... a Black Mark against my name on the list ! 

Whatever shall I do ???

Kman
17/2/14

Reality Check

Folks, 

Its time to update you all, in the realities and progression of my illnesses and difficulties or disabilities, and the things that i struggle with in day to day life, 

At this moment, its 05:11am on Sunday morning, i woke in pain at 03:48am and unable to sleep again, or get comfortable, i decided to write this, its still dark out, and very very cold ( Brass and Monkeys come to mind ), 

I am trying just to give a picture of why i am here Now doing this instead of .at some earthly hour like for instance PM on a Sunday LOL, well last night one of the pains i currently suffer ( remember there are many different ones ! ), became so excrutiatingly intolerable that i did something I've never done before and hope never ever to do again, 

What did I do ? 

Well something that put my health at risk in other ways, It may not sound much, but remember, driven solely by pain levels, I took a double dose of my Morphine, remember also the GP recently increased my dose because of increasing pain levels, he increased it to 14 times my previous level, and last night I took the decision to DOUBLE that level. ! 

Why does that matter, well as such i guess it doesn't, but Remember that Morphine is a CONTROLLED DRUG, every dose has to be accounted for, taking an extra dose last night means being One dose short, so somewhere sometime I will have to make up for that dose by missing out a dose, 

OK, Why does this really matter, well, I'm on the Morphine for Pain ( Obvious I know !!! ), I'm on the Morphine for excruciating constant pain ( again Obvious ), But now start thinking about that ! 

Constant Excruciating Pain, ! 

No escape, no getting comfortable, no relief , getting Grumpy, Irritable, Argumentative and darn right Unreasonable, having rows with the wife you love so very very much, feeling like a burden on them, hating yourself, Really hating yourself, and what your becoming, knowing it's progressive,, and that it can ONLY get worse, it is getting worse day by day, but then you have these periods where it just gets much more notably worse, and that Now is one of those periods, and you lose abilities, or stamina, or both, 


Back to the pain, It's always back to the pain, 

I took a double dose of Morphine just last night, then woke this morning in excruciating agony at 03:48am. Even a double dose didn't last the night, that's 28 times the dose I was on just over a month ago ! 

I'm coping day to day 

Wendie and I Rarely argue 

Wendie, Copes God Bless her !!! 

Every dose of Morphine has to be accounted for ! 

I have to make up for 1 dose extra, by missing another dose, 

A double dose ( first ever ! ), lasted until just 03:48am before the Pain Woke me, 

So where do i miss a dose ? 

Where do i know i will be able to miss a dose ? 

Can you predict the future. ? 

I Can't Either ! 

NO Folks, that's not it. ??? 

No, making up for the extra dose is not the problem with taking it, 

Predicting the future is also not the problem ! 

Even going without the partial relief that Morphine brings is not the problem ??? 

So what is ? 

Well we all know that Opiate drugs are addictive, Surely That's the Problem Right ? 

Well it could be, especially if it was done often, or that i had unlimited supplies, and that every dose WASN'T accountable ! 

Plus. I'm Dying, and rather too soon ! 

So I'm Dying too soon to become addicted to the Morphine, 

That's not the Problem either ! 

You all remember Diabetes isn't my only Medical Problem right ? 

And that even the Complications of the Diabetes are not my only Medical Problem, 

I'm Epileptic, CVA ( Stroke Sufferer ), High Blood Pressure, C.O.P.D, Angina, Asthma, etc. 

These are just a few ! 

Are one of these the problem ? 

Well the answer is yes, 

But many of my Medical Conditions are affected by the use of Morphine, 

The main culprit in this case though is the C.O.P.D, 

One of the BAD things about Morphine is it has a nasty habit of suppressing the Breathing !!! 

Like I need more breathing problems already. ? 

I can walk, but the length of the kitchen puts me mildly out of breath, and. Dizzy ( Due to the Autonomic Neuropathy which is what is killing me ! ), 

So even if I occasionally am tempted to take extra Morphine, the breathlessness, the wheezing , the pain in the chest, etc. Mean it's not worth it, especially when I still woke at 03:48am in terrible pain anyway, 

I now do these long posts offline then cut and paste to post, I lost way to much typing direct, anyway, it's now 14:53pm and the pain in my left leg which is swollen to four times normal too, is almost worse than any I have so far suffered, on top of this i have my usual pains as previously listed several times before, 

This Ladies. and Gents, is the reason I BEG you NOT to follow the path I d id, I fear my Time is very very near indeed, 

PLEASE PLEASE Don't Die. ... Not for a very very long time at least ... PROMISE ME !!! 

Hugs.

Kman
16/2/14

Name for The Beast

Slept solidly and comfortably for 7 Hours ... feeling pretty good this morning, even pain levels are LOW at the moment. ... So fingers crossed for a Good day folks. ! 
....................................................  .................................................
I am in absolute turmoil LOL ! 

Have just been out to the local Tesco Express using mum lovely new Powerchair, which I so far refer to as the Beast, 

Now convention states that all Vehicles are named and always FEMALE names, 

I have tried and tried for the last fortnight to think of .her name, but have failed, 

So come on folks, i will be spending a large part of the rest of my Life sat in this chair, we need to Bond, and that means her having the right Name, 

Please. Post Suggestions. 

PS I Like older Names, but I am open to ANY suggestions!!! 

Thanks Folks.

Kman
14/2/14

(The Beast is now "The Bratmobile")

Dizzy

Pain and intense nausea and dizziness even when sitting or lying down, day not going so well, may not be around so much this evening, 

Hugs. 

xxx.
Kman
17/2/14

Cellulitis (2)

But ss in already on Antibiotics no more for a weak, any see how it is then, pain easier today, having a good day, ! Will TRY TO do another big post soon, if im not too busy watching the Winter Olympics. ... next time i might even compete as the first ever Powerchair Ski Jumper. ... Something to live for ... hehehe. LOL. !

Kman
7/2/14

More Cellulitis? (1)

Sorry again folks slight set back. Over last 2 days but have developed a very very painfully area on my left push, i think it may be cellulitus products another abscess, BUT looks a little different to nightmare, so off to GP's first thing tomorrow !

But i am otherwise doing very well.

Love and Hugs.

Kman
6/2/14

A Long Walk

Been a bit off last few days, got out earlier, went for a 4 or 5 mile walk in the new chair with Wendie and Dayne, that was lovely, we all enjoyed it tremendously, the K-Car handled it really really well, and the breeze blew away all the Cobwebs. ! 

HUGS. 

Kman
4/2/14

Radio Club

Sorry folks I know I've been a bit absent last few days, taking a bit of Me time, and enjoying my new chair, appointments, looking after my darling Eddie as she's been a little of colour, etc. Today I am out most of the day at my local Amateur Radio Club ( LEICESTER RADIO SOCIETY ), We have been celebrating our Centenary, and today we have an all day event to finally end the celebrations, 

I think it will take a lot out of me, but I'm hoping to be there. all day, just an excuse really to play with Radio's. LOL,
...................................... .....................................................

Home, good day at the radio club but now in terrible terrible pain, pray for me folks, i'll be back tomorrow, sorry dear freinds, have no strength left tonight, save me a Hug please !

Kman
1/2/14

Jive M

YIPPEE HOORAY. No I've not been cured. .... but my lovely lovely QUICKIE JIVE M POWERCHAIR is being delivered to me at around 2:30PM this afternoon, I'll be free, able to get about on my own, and the really fantastic suspension on the chair will take out most of the bumps meaning I should have a much more pain free journey in it. .... boy that means SO much to me, Life is looking so much better now, Right now who am I going to drop in on for a nice cup of tea. ?

lt's exactly like getting a new car, only better, I can play with this indoors too, went shops early, fingers froze solid, forgot my gloves, yep kid who has had all his Christmases at once. ... I LOVE IT !

Kman
28/1/14

My Meds

Being the sufferer any Neurological condition is its self a bad enough thing, but yes the amount and Type of drugs is frightening, before breakfast this morning I had 27 tablets, in total I take as many as 82 a day currently, and 7 different meds for pain many of the different drugs have side effects, many of those taken for side effects also have different side effects, Many cause drowsiness, which in itself is a major problem, I would love the drug manufacturers to try them themselves but I think there are laws against testing on Dumb Animals LOL 

A more modern member of the same group of drugs Duloxetine, among the drugs I have for PAIN. ... now 7 different meds for it lol

Forgot to say NO Macmillan Qnurse but a good team of Drs,, Nurses, IT, Physio, Chiropodist, and Pschologist to help me plus others as needed, New GPS. Since we moved . Seem very very good !

Kman
12/1/14

My Fears

It isnt always about drama, or pain, or even believe it or not about the family, but sometimes it's about being quiet, sometimes it's about the loneliness that creeps over you when your not expecting it, 

Dying can be a more gentle fear, not the raving screaming fear like being attacked by thousands of Tax Men, No this is the self doubt, surrendering if things could have been different, if there is ANYTHING you could do to mend Wendies heart, anything to prevent Dayne feeling so angry he puts his forethought a door 5 times, 

Wondering if mum is really coming to terms with out living you, Wondering what kind of service you really want, 

I want my body to go to Medical Reseach, or if they have them here in the UK to a Body Farm, they have them in the US, 

One of my fears. ... is not achieving anything, and people putting me on a pedestal, believing me a Hero, when I can't reach such heights, I hate being seen as more than I am, 

Dying alone, My biggest fear of all, 

Dying in front of Wendie, I hate breaking her heart in anyway, 

Dying suddenly with no warning, No time for goodbyes, 

Saying Goodbye, I'm just 52, way too young, 

So many thing on my BUCKET LIST. There's absolutely no way to achieve most of them, even with a lottery win , 

Having a Bucket List, Admitting I'm dying, 

This thread, was one post, now so many readers, so much responsibility even when I feel so tired and I'll, 

This thread, such a comfort, so many new friends, such LOVE, EMPATHY and SUPPORT, 

Time to put my Life in order, 

A speedy death, with NO time for PAIN, 

I'm in less but still terrible pain since a change in my morphine, 

Please, I'm an ORDINARY man, nothing Special at all, 

But even so, Listen to me, learn from my mistakes, save yourself, 

Change your habits, Don't write another thread like this, 

Don't DIE, 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DIE 

For many many years to come !

Kman
17/1/14