Reality Check

Folks, 

Its time to update you all, in the realities and progression of my illnesses and difficulties or disabilities, and the things that i struggle with in day to day life, 

At this moment, its 05:11am on Sunday morning, i woke in pain at 03:48am and unable to sleep again, or get comfortable, i decided to write this, its still dark out, and very very cold ( Brass and Monkeys come to mind ), 

I am trying just to give a picture of why i am here Now doing this instead of .at some earthly hour like for instance PM on a Sunday LOL, well last night one of the pains i currently suffer ( remember there are many different ones ! ), became so excrutiatingly intolerable that i did something I've never done before and hope never ever to do again, 

What did I do ? 

Well something that put my health at risk in other ways, It may not sound much, but remember, driven solely by pain levels, I took a double dose of my Morphine, remember also the GP recently increased my dose because of increasing pain levels, he increased it to 14 times my previous level, and last night I took the decision to DOUBLE that level. ! 

Why does that matter, well as such i guess it doesn't, but Remember that Morphine is a CONTROLLED DRUG, every dose has to be accounted for, taking an extra dose last night means being One dose short, so somewhere sometime I will have to make up for that dose by missing out a dose, 

OK, Why does this really matter, well, I'm on the Morphine for Pain ( Obvious I know !!! ), I'm on the Morphine for excruciating constant pain ( again Obvious ), But now start thinking about that ! 

Constant Excruciating Pain, ! 

No escape, no getting comfortable, no relief , getting Grumpy, Irritable, Argumentative and darn right Unreasonable, having rows with the wife you love so very very much, feeling like a burden on them, hating yourself, Really hating yourself, and what your becoming, knowing it's progressive,, and that it can ONLY get worse, it is getting worse day by day, but then you have these periods where it just gets much more notably worse, and that Now is one of those periods, and you lose abilities, or stamina, or both, 


Back to the pain, It's always back to the pain, 

I took a double dose of Morphine just last night, then woke this morning in excruciating agony at 03:48am. Even a double dose didn't last the night, that's 28 times the dose I was on just over a month ago ! 

I'm coping day to day 

Wendie and I Rarely argue 

Wendie, Copes God Bless her !!! 

Every dose of Morphine has to be accounted for ! 

I have to make up for 1 dose extra, by missing another dose, 

A double dose ( first ever ! ), lasted until just 03:48am before the Pain Woke me, 

So where do i miss a dose ? 

Where do i know i will be able to miss a dose ? 

Can you predict the future. ? 

I Can't Either ! 

NO Folks, that's not it. ??? 

No, making up for the extra dose is not the problem with taking it, 

Predicting the future is also not the problem ! 

Even going without the partial relief that Morphine brings is not the problem ??? 

So what is ? 

Well we all know that Opiate drugs are addictive, Surely That's the Problem Right ? 

Well it could be, especially if it was done often, or that i had unlimited supplies, and that every dose WASN'T accountable ! 

Plus. I'm Dying, and rather too soon ! 

So I'm Dying too soon to become addicted to the Morphine, 

That's not the Problem either ! 

You all remember Diabetes isn't my only Medical Problem right ? 

And that even the Complications of the Diabetes are not my only Medical Problem, 

I'm Epileptic, CVA ( Stroke Sufferer ), High Blood Pressure, C.O.P.D, Angina, Asthma, etc. 

These are just a few ! 

Are one of these the problem ? 

Well the answer is yes, 

But many of my Medical Conditions are affected by the use of Morphine, 

The main culprit in this case though is the C.O.P.D, 

One of the BAD things about Morphine is it has a nasty habit of suppressing the Breathing !!! 

Like I need more breathing problems already. ? 

I can walk, but the length of the kitchen puts me mildly out of breath, and. Dizzy ( Due to the Autonomic Neuropathy which is what is killing me ! ), 

So even if I occasionally am tempted to take extra Morphine, the breathlessness, the wheezing , the pain in the chest, etc. Mean it's not worth it, especially when I still woke at 03:48am in terrible pain anyway, 

I now do these long posts offline then cut and paste to post, I lost way to much typing direct, anyway, it's now 14:53pm and the pain in my left leg which is swollen to four times normal too, is almost worse than any I have so far suffered, on top of this i have my usual pains as previously listed several times before, 

This Ladies. and Gents, is the reason I BEG you NOT to follow the path I d id, I fear my Time is very very near indeed, 

PLEASE PLEASE Don't Die. ... Not for a very very long time at least ... PROMISE ME !!! 

Hugs.

Kman
16/2/14