Now Tell Me You Can't.....

The post here was written just after 4 am this morning, I'm still without sleep, but my mood is much better,but I will post it just to illustrate some of the highs and lows of what you could experience if your Diabetes takes control of you, instead of you taking control of IT, 

PLEASE forgive the self pity expressed, and realise it's actually more the Family that go through hell, PLEASE PLEASE do not let your family go through this, and just to let you know,the Morphine and Pregabalin are taking edge of the pain, and I feel quite mellow, 

For the second night in a row , I have not slept at all, 

The pains I have are for numerous reasons, but obviously the Neuropathic Pain due my Peripheral and Autonomic Neuropathies are often the worst, but few of us have just one problem, and with the recent drop in temperatures my Rheumatoid Arthritis has made things extremely uncomfortable, 

So the combination of the two pains have prevented my being able to sleep, to add to that, the absorbent me from even resting comfortably during the daytime, I have not slept for 48 hours so far, 

A complication of constant unrelenting pain, and going without sleep for long periods is your mood is rarely bright and sparkling, Imagine your car broke down, you walked several miles home, carrying heavy shopping, and you 4 or. 5. Hours late getting to bed, and you have an early start in the morning, you now have a headache, toothache, and you pulled several muscles, and have blisters on both feet, next door are having a very very loud party, very late into the night. .... Now multiply that by ten, 

So tell me know how your mood is !!! 

Imagine the hell you'll put the family through the next day, and how you'll snap at the Secretary at work, well after you've thrown up on your boss that is, 

Now imagine you feel like this several times a week, 

Imagine how long your poor long suffering wife and son will dismiss it, how long before you know it's eating away at their feelings for you, 

How do you feel, how do you feel with the guilt, when do you start to hate yourself, when do you start to think stinging would be best, and the kindest thing for your family, 

Of course you consider ending it quickly, but you don't want to Die, you don't want to leave your family, and you know they love you, you can't think, your confused, and your body craves sleep, it screams at you endlessly, 

And what about you Diabetes, what about your diet, in this state how do you keep your sugars right, 

And how often do you cry at through the night at what you have become. ? 

You know, only you could have changed things in time, you know your an absolute idiot, 

BUT despite the fact it's far too late, you WANT to live, You want to hold that first Grandchild in your arms, you want to see your sons wedding, 

And its so funny how many things you put on your Bucket List, like the dog breed you always fancied keeping, or see Madagascar the placenta the film LOL, or taking out a boat on the Norfolk Broads for a couple of weeks,even learning to Drive, 

And writing a book, something to leave behind, a way that the world might remember you ever lived !!! 

I don't get to do ANY of this, I'm dying, non too gracefully, and without achieving anything I feel proud of, of course pride isn't always a good thing, but you think about it while your trying so hard to put aside the pain, the disappointment, and the sheer awful way you are going to miss you angelic wife and your terrific son, 

The End is Nigh. 

NOW tell me your not controlling your Diabetes, tell me you can't diet, you can't excercise, tell me your reading this thread and you WANT to RISK following the path I did, 

GO on tell me That's what you want !

Kman
20/11/13