Price of Love

A whole month, exactly one month, of your life, 4 operations, removal of a very nasty Abscess from the Palm of your hand, this thing had taken just 4 days to develop, Well now it would effect the rest of your life, skin, muscle and nerves all damaged, along with tendon damage, months of OT and Physio, uncomfortable splint worn for three months, meaning the use of your hand is pretty much nil for all of that time, and your very much Right handed, trying to dress, eat, write, even hold a book was definitely a different, and certainly frustrating experience, 

Washing too, became extremely complicated, now try Wiping your Butt ! 

The pain levels are excruciating, and it's dawning on you just how much you've been through, but that's nothing to the hurt, the distress and the worry you now realise your dear wife has coped with, the look in her eyes, and she STILL loves you after all you've put her through,oh boy you decide then and there you WILL NOT ever put her through that again, you Will change !

And you hold on to that resolution, you try so hard, you cry yourself to sleep night after night because your so hungry, 

Life in a hospital for a whole month is downright boring,frustrating, lonely, and your tearing your hair out, you know it's all a terrible strain on your wife, she's taking so much time off work, eventually she quits her job to be your full time carer, she sorts out benefits and visits once or twice a day, keeps home,walks the dog 4 or 5 Times a day, You finally realise she's SUPERWOMAN, and Superwoman loves YOU, 

It's around this point you start falling a lot more than usual, your feinting, your very giddy and dizzy, even at times when sitting or lying down, constant nausea, 

Tests, tests and more tests, scans, x-rays, more blood taken than any vampire could drink, oh yes, taking blood, and fitting cannulas, here you get your own back, but even watching Drs struggle to get any blood pales a bit after an hour of two senior Drs, one a consultant anesthetist, and an ultrasound machine, and 7 ... Yes Seven attempts to get a cannula into your veins, oh what a LOVELY day your having, 

Well of course, eventually, the Infections, are all sorted, your Blood Sugars are still very high, despite never having anything you shouldn't, and the meagre even miserly portion sizes, . And you've lost almost 5 stone since just a month before your admission, this was not diet, but your body breaking down, 

You should have known, just how I'll you were, you should have realised just how poorly you were, even the holes in your brain (Stroke at 35), even then you hadn't started looking after yourself, you really are stupid, thick and dumb, hey this is not for sympathy, or being hard on yourself, No this is the cold hard truth, you would not be in this position, all the pain etc, . if only you'd learned, 

When some tall 14 year old lad they assure you is a junior Dr, halfheartedly pulls the curtain round you bed, it's serious, you can't believe what you just heard, you certainly know what it means, 

And when later the Consultant confirms the diagnosis,but this time the curtains are round properly, the world drops from under your feet, you Dying, and no there is NO miracle, you cant be cured, there is no help, . 

I should tell you the reason your so shocked, you have 2, not 1, but 2 totally desperate, but still terminal conditions, and neither is likely to give any warning, chances are (and some might say luckily) you will drop down dead without warning, 

Process that, 

Take a few days, work out how best to tell your beautiful and loving wife, 

It's almost a week before you pluck up the courage, her Dignity, her calmness, her determination to beat this, and prove the Drs wrong, there is no mistake, she knows it as much as you do, but She's still going to try, and she even forgives you for not telling her straight away, this lady has Class, 

Sorry folks, can't write any more yet, forgive me,I'll be back before too long,

Kman
5/11/13